I’m mostly afraid of not being able to experience things in my life that I would want to experience (like marrying my SO, buy our first home, go on vacation, etc). I’m also afraid of what my death would do to my partner and parents. And of course, I’m afraid of pain and dying alone in some hospitals. Yup. Grandma took 10+ years of dying of Alzheimer’s. Never properly knew her though I have one vague memory of her at thanksgiving in the early 90s before she was sick enough to go into an assisted living home. For a time she was able to leave with my grandpa and spend part of the day with him. We went to an Olive Garden and she took her fork and started trying to eat the paper menu thinking it was a salad. It only got worse from there. Do not wish that on my worst.
My grandpa was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s when I was 4, he killed himself when I was 5. I remember his voice, him giving us rides on the tractor, him painting and drawing with me, and have zero memories of him ever “forgetting” who we were. My mom and her sisters obviously did not take it well but years later I talked to my mom about it and told her about how I only have good memories of him and how I think him ending his life on his terms was a form of compassion for the people who he cared about. I cannot imagine forgetting the names and faces of loved ones and having that be how they remember me. I would have loved to have more time with him but I fear that my only memories would have been of having to remind him of my name and how I’m related to him.